I want to talk to my child and have her respond to Me? I know I am asking for the world to start spinning in the opposite direction and for Republicans and Democrats to start getting along and for J. Lo to have a single release that is actually a good song but I'll I'm saying is It's lonely talking to yourself. I carry out full conversations with Maggie never saying a word. It doesn't make any sense and I'm pretty sure I am slowly losing my mind but I still do it with the hope that one of these days she will respond...
So I'm watching one of my favorite movies, 'Mr. Holland's Opus' and this scene of the teacher(glenn) and his wife(Iris) discussing their child's future comes on and it goes as follows...
[Glenn and Iris are discussing the possibility of sending Cole to a special school]
Glenn Holland: The doctor said that gestures meant...
Iris Holland: It's way more than gestures.
Glenn Holland: That gestures meant that Cole would never learn how to lip read or to talk!
Iris Holland: He can barely talk now, he can't say two or three words!
Glenn Holland: The guy is a specialist, Iris!
Iris Holland: Ohhh, he's a specialist who thinks that deaf people are retarded and he is not retarded. Cole!
Glenn Holland: What does he want? Give him what he wants!
Iris Holland: I don't know what he wants, I don't understand what he's trying to say. Don't you get it? You walk to school every day with all these children who are normal. I can't talk to my son! I don't know what he wants or what he thinks or what he feels. I can't tell him that I love him, I can't tell him who I am. I want to talk to my son! I don't care what it costs, I don't care what the stupid doctor says it's right or wrong. I want to talk to my son!
(bursts into tears and falls on floor with child...I added that but it's true)
I don't know what he wants or what he thinks or what he feels... Sometimes a face makes up for a thousand words- Maggie will shoot this glare as if to say, Mother!?! or Are you kidding me right now?!? She also has this look of disgust as if she is completely annoyed by me or another person and I must take care of it! She really can be quite facially expressive.
I don't care what it costs... Maggie's MA expires in April and I have no idea how I am going to cover speech for the next few months but I am going to make it work! I know at least for the next few months possibly year or so her therapy is covered but I think about long term and loose sleep over how much money this child will cost. The countless hours of therapy and specialists and driving back and forth to doctors and tank after tank of 4.00 dollar gasoline and hours spent in rush hour traffic. She is worth every minute, every dollar and every once of stress that I am overflowing with these days.
I can't talk to my son... I can talk to my daughter but if she is listening or paying attention or remotely interesting is doubtful. I feel as though through one ear and out the other most days.
I want to talk to my son! ... I want my daughter to talk to me so badly! I want her to say something funny to remind me that she is in fact related to me :) I want to talk to her and know that she is absorbing it and understanding what I am saying to her...
Am I asking too much??
Reminder that April is Autism Awareness Month