1 step forward 5 steps back

Ever feel like your taking one step forward only to go back 5? Well then your not alone! I recently have been focusing on the little things so that I would have some sense of accomplishment at the end of the day, however usually I still feel like the world is agaisnt me and I need to work on my Karma or something! The saying "When it rains it pours" comes to mind. It can't just be one thing that goes wrong but a hundred things! why? Why? WHY?

I'll give you an example for those of you that would like to feel better about your life :)

(I can relate to those dinosaurs)

I managed to save up a years worth of mileage reimbursement forms to fax in - with the thought that I could have a bit of a financial nest for if/when something came up. I am not exaggerating after cashing the check - within a day, Maggie's Child support check basically vanished and my car died! Seriously?!?

So I'm broke again - but really that's nothing new :)

BUT have you ever noticed when money is non exsistent everything goes wrong and gets really expense?!? Why is that? All I know is that the past 2 months I have had to scrap by AND my car has died twice, a huge dental bill came and I haven't even received my dental bill yet! Oh OH it gets better - I spent hours and multiple days at school getting registered and filling out forms and trying to be on top of everything and today (13 days before semester starts) I was told I'm missing a form and have to start from scratch, because I was missing this form I was dropped and my award money was not sent out ... So I am hoping and praying that the classes I need are still available and trying not to panic or freak out...

I am not a happy girl

Pan - O - Prag Part 2

Ever wish you just stayed home? This event was suppose to be relaxing, easy going and I thought how bad can it be? My mom, uncle Andy and I took Maggie to meet some friends to watch the parade and cheer our friend on. We found out before the parade that he was pretty far back and it may be an hour till we see him, that was the first bad part. The second came when the parade was delayed for half an hour and we had already been waiting for an hour. THEN the fire department put a hose out for the kids to play in which was fun except it sent Maggie over the edge! (Next year we can't be anywhere near it!) She wanted to play in it and I hadn't brought clothes for her. My mom took her and she was soaked and cold after playing for almost an hour I cut her off. I'm a terrible mother but her lips were blue. This is when things started to go wrong. Maggie started crying and melting down, I wanted to leave, but my car was blocked in by the parade and we were their for a friend. So I tried everything to calm her down. Walked with her, squeezed her to give her pressure, cereal, sippy cup, Uncle Andy and our friend Noah tried to help, my mom took several turns. Everyone in our group just felt for her and wanted to help and kept saying 'it's okay', 'she'll eventually tire out and want to watch the parade.' The moms were joking about how awful their children were when they were young, it put me at ease because I was feeling so bad for how miserable Maggie was. But I was also aware I was getting dirty looks, judgmental faces were glaring at me and I wanted to disappear. After several hours our friend Lars finally made his way down the parade route to us! Maggie was excited to see him and I was excited to finally be leaving!

But just before we saw him I had the unfortunate pleasure to meet the rudest and meanest woman in Lakeville. I had a picture of her but decided to delete it and make it more universal. But has anyone ever had some pretty awful encounters with strangers? This woman was so rude and nasty and I understood that my child was miserable but her words just made me so mad I was trying to just respond nicely, kill them with kindness kind of deal!

But after all that drama we saw them...

I have no idea how they do it! but I saw his video's on youtube and he's crazy talented!

Challenge

This morning in nursery I had a riveting conversation with an incredibly intelligent child about specific species of dinosaurs, characteristics of whales, traveling and food. I then braided a 2 year olds hair. I mean TWO french braids with her thin curly blonde hair. she sat for at least 10 minutes while my fingers worked this fine and whispy hair. And as so often is the case, I then looked over at my daughter, on the other side of the room away from everyone, twisting a chewy in her mouth while touching and mouthing everything in the room. I got that feeling that...

I will never have those experiences with my child.

It's hard to watch my child fixate on an object for an unusual amount of time. Or become so unhappy and so miserable so quickly in a situation. I try and praise her for every step she takes on her own or every page of a book she turns. I know I must say 'NO' or 'Don't do that!' a million times a day.

Some days are harder than others - Some days I stumble across articles like This. A mom with years more experience who gave me some perspective, hope as well as reality (which can really be rough)

If she, along with the many thousands of other moms can survive so can I - but I'm not going to lie or pretend that I'm excited for the next meltdown, because I'm not! But I am excited to see milestones, however small they may be to other children's, I'm excited for Maggie and her life! She's such a happy and joyful little person. From such a young age she was fascinated with everything and made everyone around her fall in love with babies. She even inspired a friend of mine to start her own family and she now has 3 children!

GOALS:

• Figure out what I need to learn from a bad situation so that I don't repeat that mistake the next time.
• Become more comfortable with others (strangers, random judge mental individuals)
• I need to try harder to find the blessings in the challenges.
• Not stress so much and just take it a day at a time

When you’re dealing with something like autism it’s a challenge 24 hours a day for your whole life.

Rainy Day

I have been really down lately. Unmotivated. Unhappy - which by the way I don't enjoy. I hate not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. On the positive though it is a lovely dark, gray, raining today in Minnesota! Thunderstorms are a part of Spring but so is sunshine and we have been lacking in the vitamin D department and I really think it's effecting my mood

I am hoping for some better weather - emotional and meteorological.

Sick Kiddo

A bug is in the air and I don't care for him. Sick Kids everywhere including mine...

Both exits no waiting!!

Starting Tuesday night Maggie had bouts of vomiting (which was a very common occurrence before we changed her diet to Gluten Free Dairy Free) we had rotisserie chicken from Target, which we carefully checked through ingredients and thought was safe. However I do not blame the chicken. He was tasty and frankly she's had it before with no reaction.

So I blame the Flu Virus!

Multiple Loads of Laundry, including every towel and blanket in the house, a whole package of diapers in a day and We both survived :)

It's not about conquering it's about surviving!

A Low Point

Bored, lonely and all by myself with Maggie tonight and as I channel surfed I came across an episode of 'Sex and the City'. The Brunette woman was hosting a baby shower for her Red headed friend, when the mother to-be opens up a Tiffany box to expose a silver rattle which sends the brunette to a place she once was and ultimately resulting in tears and of what was and what will never be.

I found my self emotionally connected to her crying with her.

I realized she was devastated for losing her husband because of their differences in desire for children and their inability to have children. Which lead me to be devastated for losing my husband because of our differences and thinking about where he is and where I am not.

He has a girlfriend.

Is getting his education.

Has no daily responsibilities.

I felt stupid and sorry for myself for being so weak as to cry at a dumb TV show.

But I ate a bowl of Ice Cream, played some bejeweled on Facebook to take my mind off of everything, put my daughter to bed, wrote this blog and will go and try to distract myself with a movie or something - I have shed enough tears today.

I think their are only so many tears allowed per day.

I have reached my limit.

To Sleep Perchance to Dream...

Negligent blogging

Wow - have I been negligent in blogging.... My apologies

I wish I could say the past month has been filled with interesting and fun events. On the positive side I had a great relaxing trip to Chicago. Maggie was wonderful in the car ride and it was great to spend time with my dad and Kelly. I really enjoyed just having a break from the day in day out regular environment of MN.

Things of Note:

1. I cut my hair short - I cut off about 12 inches and more in the back - it's short of a messy blob - so quick to style and have had lots of compliments - see change is good.

2. Maggie is signing 'Please'

3. Maggie is also signing 'Movie' 'Yes' & 'Cereal'

4. My Ex ..... Oy (I thought he would go with some dignity but then he acts selfish yet again.... )

5. I received my court orders for the pretrial of my divorce (Prayers and hugs please)

That's the short sweet version - Stop reading there unless you wish to read my rant

Oy have I been in a rut. I feel like this endless cycle Maggie therapies, Maggie School, Maggie Doctors, finding Maggie's chewy and making sure I have Maggie rice cereal meanwhile I have nothing going on in Myk's Life - then I feel guilty for being selfish and then worse for feeling like a bad mother which leads to an even worse cycle - NOW I have to put some perspective on this situation. I have it so good, so lucky - amazing parents who have financially supported us through all this. Friends, far away though, who have been kind and generous. But it's the day to day activities that have just been weighing me down and making me feel like nothing is going to change.... I just needed to get that off my chest to try and be positive and know the light at the end of the tunnel.

we'll see

Love,

Myk

long week...

Maggie always makes for a cute blog!

It's been a long week so far for me. I've been going to So many doctor's appointments and therapy appointments and not feeling like we've getting anything other than really expensive doctor's bills - (only time I kinda wish I was Mrs. Cruise) I Love my kid so I want to do anything I can for her. The icing on the cake though was going to the metabolic geneticist where I was giving 3 options 2 of which don't explain everything the other is just a really depressing diagnosis. Hopefully in the next few days I will receive a phone call with a pleasant voice on the other end delightfully explaining that the blood work all came back normal and the urine tests did show elevated levels and some diet changes are necessary but overall we do not know what is wrong.  That's better then a really negative diagnosis.